Sunday, May 20, 2007

'Take me now.' she cried.

I have been slaving over false writing hopes. I have got it all wrong and I am about to have a complete change of direction.
Indepth research has shown me the way (well, Longmire via Keris Stainton) and I now know where my true writing path lies.
.
Look at these covers.......
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Do they not capture your imagination.....
.
.
....stir yer loins.....
.
.
....hoist up yer cleavage and plump yer thighs?
.

.
Yes, yes, my love, take me now!
.
I shall be known as Mildreda Flunkbouquet and I shall be a celebrated writer of
ROMANCE
.
I have already set my dainty foot on the path to romancing stardom. My first novel shall be about a woman who falls in love with a man, who then falls out of love with the cad because of some minor mis-understanding and then all is well and they are back in love again.
Totally original I think, but I am, at present, without a title as catchy as these.
I am toying with 'The bump in his trousers betrayed him' or 'He knew what she wanted but the chemist had sold out of viagra'.
.
Maybe you would be kind enough to offer a little help here, please....
.


40 comments:

Lee said...

Minx, how dare you - stealing my very next plot! But I'll let you have it on the strength of your new pen name alone. (redecorating your life as well your home, are you?)

Minx said...

I am Lee, I am, a change is as good as a new pair of stockings . Now be quiet because I am ripping bodices and girding loins all over the place!

Oh my love, my only one, my hearts desire.....

Debi said...

'Oh, oh, oh,' she gasped, her bosom heaving with barely-supressed passion. 'Let us explore this new niche together, my darling.'

Lee said...

Debi, that's it, the three of are going to get together and Do It (write a joint Great Romantic Idol Novel, hereafter known as GRIN, or perhaps Sex Idol Novel, i.e. SIN) Can I do the teen sex scenes, please, pretty please?

Minx said...

'Sin,' she quivered with delight 'I can see it now with manly Simon Cowell of the High Trousers taking the lead role.'

How clever were her lovely friends, how droll and amusing. They would show the world together that they were more, much more, than the vacant bits of fluff that everyone thought them to be.

A smile played across her full and luscious lips as she reached for the computer mouse.....

Roberta said...

Oh geod.

Roberta said...

She offered her honor,
he honored her offer
and all night long it was
on her -off her, on her -
off her.

;)

Lee said...

Roberta & Minx, this is hysterical. We should all open a wiki or something and do a serial...

john.g. said...

Oh, please, enough of the romantic crap, why doesn't he just bend her over and shag her? lol.

London Refugee said...

C'mon, these cannot be bona fide novels (cos I didn't find them on Amazons, so!) - this is Minx being creative with her latest graphics software. Fess up, Minx, no one but you could give us 'The Toy in Daddy's Pants'.....based on personal experiences.

Minx said...

Roberta, did you mean 'Oh God, oh God, oh Goooooodddddddd'? I think you did.

No John G, absolutely not! One only alludes to the shagging....

"He looked deep into her eyes and saw more than embroidery there"

Minx said...

No, can't take the blame for this one, Refugee, nor can I blame it on a certain Wordcarving American. Tis all the very clever work of Mr Longmire - she said breathily.

But then, there's an idea....

Starrlight said...

How about "Lusting Loins" for a title? Short, to the point, punchy.

Love your blog I found you via Moon Topples and am happily blogrolling you at this moment.

Roberta said...

Oh, here's one...The Chronicles of Crinoline. (A juanty float on a pirate ship with a naughty maid looking for someone to shiver her timbers!)

Minx said...

Welcome Starrlight, are these loins pork or cloth?

I can see it all Roberta - now we're cookin'. More heaving biceps and plunging buttocks, please.

john.g. said...

Naughty Nylon Nights spent melting by the log fire?

L.M.Noonan said...

I have a subversive 'hobby'. I alter old books in various ways. Not books of any intrinsic value mind you...books that are bad, stupid, boring. I turn these vapid curiosities destined for landfill, into smut.
peter of yellow gates is my latest.
Why not make alternative versions of your own novels?
No copyright issues to worry about and value adding -two for the price of one...
Hey, wait just a darn tootin minute-that a great idea! I'm off to turn "A is for Albania" into "A is for Anal".

L>T said...

shhhhh... I'm still gone. Had to sneak a peek at your blog though.(don't tell anybody)

I have a sister who reads romance novels by the cardboard box full. She's been married 5 times & still counting. I believe she's in love with the turgid manhood.

IMO, if you've had one throbbing member in a pair of tight pantaloons pressed up against your silk clad thigh while your breasts pushed & heaved against their stays, you can pretty much guess how the story's going to go.

Really, I am putting the computer in storage any day now. :)

Canterbury Soul said...

Let's Make Love Out of the Love We Make for Each Other"? Sorry I don't know how to be discreet. ;)

Minx said...

Help, I'm melting with passion, John G!

LM, what a cool subversion, naughty minx! I suspect that 'A for Anal' might be on a shelf higher than the bosom heavers.

It's all right L>t, I won't tell anyone you're here.
I did a post a while ago on bad sex in books - I think you covered some of the language here.
'Throbbing member'was one of the more polite.

I don't think my blog employs discretion CS - words are free and there is only a tax on vicious or viscous ones.


"She ran her hands over his smooth, glistening chest. How she loved a man who waxed"

I really think I'm getting rather good at this.

Jan said...

Hello Minx
I await your publication with delight!

Marie said...

Just can't stop laughing...the comments are just as fun as the post!

Debi said...

Swoon! Swoon! I've always wanted a character to swoon but never before had the opportunity.

I feel liberated - but maybe that's because Hank the Hunk just loosened the stays on my satin bodice, his stubble grazing my cheek while his his hot breath tickled my ear.

The Moon Topples said...

May I suggest...

"The bulge in his trousers..." might boost sales more than "bump." Just my opinion.

Minx said...

I am waiting for this lot to give me title first,Jan.

Pull yourself together Marie - not sure that your offering of "Just can't stop laughing" will give the right impression - this is serious stuff.

Do you not think 'bulge' a tad lewd for an innocent book about lurve, Mr Moon? Might as well just call it "Come and get me Big Boy" -
Oh dear, I am having the vapours now - I am swooned.....

Minx said...

Have just remembered the lyrics to 'Let's do it' by Victoria Wood (find it on Youtube).
Although much too long to post here I think she sort of sums up Mills and Boon in a song. Here's some of the best bits....

I'm on fire
With desire.
I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir.

This folly
Is jolly.
Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley.

No cautions,
Just contortions!
Smear an avocado on me lower portions.

Be mighty.
Be flighty.
Come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie.

Poor Barry, he just wanted to get on with the grouting.

Shameless said...

Are these for real??? Oh my goodness. I am from another planet. That is settled!! :)

mutleythedog said...

I am willing to help you in this effort Ms Minx. I am excellent at erotica so ..

How about

I Blew in My Bath Water

Lord of the Spam Tin

100 Adventures in Lime Green Boxers...

I gift these titles to you Ms M...I only expect to be listed as a consultant...

L>T said...

Lisa's apartment this is a post I did where we took an old pulp fiction Men's style naughty novel & made our own story about Lisa's Apartment. It's interesting what men will do with smut as apposed to what women do...

I just love smut in all it's forms. *sigh*

Minx said...

Of course they're real Shameless - they're on my blog, aren't they?

Thank you, Mut - 'Lime Green Adventures' looks like a runner, of sorts.

L>t - how did I miss that one the first time around - fabulous. You're hired as designer for my new publishing company

- 'Small-but-pert Books'.

mutleythedog said...

I have written some of this kind of stuff - no really(!) It is amongst my finest efforts. I shall try to post in on allotedspan (yes I know it is a typoe) later on today... I will await your roars of derision Ms Sexy Minx.

Debi said...

Lisa's apartment - what a brill idea!

Fancy this, Minxy? It would give me an opportunity to use some other words I'd never have the chance to insert in my writing otherwise.

I'm starting a list: swoon, throbbing manhood, heaving bosom ...

Minx said...

"Lisa'a Apartmemt - everything in it a man would want" - sorry Debi, wrong words. The ones you need would be...
"His manhood throbbed as he reached for a Stella, flicked the widget lovingly before snatching the remote control from her moist hands.
"Sorry love, Match of the day is on now".

Mutley, your enthusiasm is scaring me a little!

London Refugee said...

A coupla titles......

My stepson with the stetson.

Fecking feckers get fecked.

Think passion, think syphillis.

Orifice overload.

Ooh, no, missus! That's not a title just my blurg attempt at a Frankie Howerd impression.

Debi said...

Or ...

'He pushed his manhood into the oh-so-tight tights he wore on such occasions. She watched wide-eyed as he smeared vaseline on his nipples. 'Sorry, love, I'm off for a run now ...'

Minx said...

They are definitely contenders, LR. 'Orifice overload'? What have you been watching for inspiration?

Debi, best to keep your kinks in the kinky cupboard and not spread them all over me blog. I won't tell anyone, okay?

Lizzie said...

Oh, bloody hell! What's an old girl to do?
(Ignore me if you must..)

Minx said...

I could hardly ignore that 'bosom' on your blog, Lizzie, but why has she got a mixing bowl on her head? Oh I see, tis a cookery post - very clever!

mutleythedog said...

Thats not enthusiasm- I sold it - oh my... read it and weep... how I prostitute my talent.

Minx said...

Ah well, you and me both, hookers of the lit world.