Friday, November 17, 2006

Annual medical report for the Inner Minx

Failure to follow the advice in the report of 2005 had led to some minor and slightly worrying symptoms that appear to be getting worse:-

Eyesight reports that there has been a 20% deterioration since March. This would coincide with the start of blogging and therefore the advice would be to give it up, or face 'jam jar' lenses by 2008.

Endorphins show a rise, also since March. This would not be a problem, as obviously laughing is good for all of us, but it is recommended that posts should be semi-serious and 'funny' blogs should be avoided in order to keep the bank full.

Liver function tests provide the statistics that the constant abuse of this organ is leading to a marked deterioration. This advice is always ignored and once again a warning letter has been sent to the appropriate department.

The bones continue to report good density but the ankles have once again complained about 'the pointy boots' - advice has been issued. The incident of dancing on the table at the Christmas party did not go un-noticed.

Hair reports a marked growth in some areas which is still being kept under control to some extent, but colour abuse is starting to take its toll. Hair predicts the use of wigs within ten years and could it please have a more 'normal' colour to suit its advancing years (a cut wouldn't go amiss either).

The stomach is in a worrying condition. Failure to eat anything more than a packet of crisps at lunch time has resulted in weight loss, but the medical council sees no fit reason why this diet should be endorsed to the nation. The stomach also complains that chocolate consumption has increased (again), replacing the vegetables that the blood requested some time ago.

The brain reports a constant struggle to keep up with the dual personality that has arisen since March. It has also reported that the constant arguments with the Minx about 'acting her age' are becoming a problem.

The nails are very excited by the new interest in their department but report that maintenance is already flagging. The skin, however, is pleased to report that she has kept up the moisturising regime started after she found that huge wrinkle. Another will not be issued until Jan 07 and will appear overnight, giving her the jolt she needs.

The lungs, again, have failed to make a report but the voice is worried that if she continues to smoke then she will end up sounding like Orsen Welles.

General comments :
The Inner Minx has constantly ignored advice on looking after her middle-aged body. The council has no alternative but to issue a warning letter to the brain which will in no doubt lead to a court case as her addictive nature is being allowed to run amok. Excuses have been made in the light of the added abuse to fingers on the keyboard of late but changes will have to made before she becomes a bent old hag incapable of doing much more than grunting from behind a computer. These changes lie in her hands, but unfortunately her hands seem to be occupied elsewhere.


Anonymous said...

What will you end up sounding like? Do we have to fill in the blank? Err... you'll end up sounding like that sound that a crunchie makes just as you bite into it. Could be sexy... if you're that way inclined :-)

Ronald said...

It's all relative you know. You have to get to my age to realise your body is just approaching it's optimum ripeness? So I would say, celebrate it.

And what's wrong with grunting from behind a computer? Millions do it every day. Mostly males of course.

Unknown said...

Optimum ripeness? That means that you are just about to start rotting - yurk!

Ah yes, sorry Sharon, I published and a bit of me post went missing. Orsen Welles is restored and everyone is now going to think that you have made a stupid comment!

Anonymous said...

All in all theres plenty of more miles left on the ol' girl yet!

Great post!

Anonymous said...

Orson Welles has to sound better than a Dalek though? Still, look on the bright side, if Stephen King's body/health was a car he would have been written off years ago...but it hasn't stopped him. :)

Ronald said...

Erm... I suppose so, if you were a banana. Sheesh!

Anonymous said...

Sod it!

Anonymous said...

Don't worry what the doctors say,
or piece out what the jargon means.
No matter what, it's always May,
you're always turning seventeen.

Roberta said...

I'm so glad all of your reports came back positive - (with consideration). I would head the message. I didn't. Now my neck hurts, my hair is gray and I've lost most of me teeth.

..and my nails are a mess.

..and I have a hair lip and weigh 350 lbs.

...with a failing liver.

...and ...oh never mind.

Confucious Trevaskis said...

You forgot to mention the flatulence report.......

Unknown said...

No one is interested in your flatulence, least of all me. I have to live with it!

Unknown said...

Now let me see, what are you all saying? Hmmm...

Sharon thinks that she's a crunchie, Don is a ripe banana and if I look on the bright side I could be a car, according to Lehane.
Jta is the eternal poetical teenager, Roberta is falling apart at the seams and CT has a flatulence problem (I knew that already),
Some help you lot are - I shall carry on with me diet then!

Roberta said...

Ya know. After seeing this again...this woman might have serious Spinabifita problems. Perhaps curvature of the can only conjecture...

Unknown said...

You needs an MOT, babe, that'll sort ya!
(with apologies to the Lan'non accent)