I have a dog called Useless and a cat called Owen Airing Cupboard (Owen for short, named after my lovely departed Dad). We shall concentrate on the latter and unfold a story that has taken place over the last two months and culminated last week in utter and incredible joy.
Owen is a social creature with a nose for adventure and an eye for the neighbourhood fillies. I'm not sure what all his prejudices are, but he loves gingers and hates tabbies. He also loves dogs.
About eight weeks ago I started to notice that our front lawn was being decorated by less than savoury objects. Useless kindly does his business on the back patio and the Feckers are paid to remove it to the dog bin - he was not the culprit (for once).
One morning I called the cat in for breakfast. Following behind, like one of Owen's harem, came Marcel, a West Highland terrier belonging to Dimchick Fuckwit down the road. Can I just add here that I have given all my neighbours my own names and she is not to be confused with Bible Barry, Lawnmower Man or Only on a Friday who live across from us.
Anyway to cut this tale down to size, Marcel continued to follow Owen home and make a deposit every day without fail.
I am not, by nature, a vindictive Minx but enough was enough and I marched off down the road to have talks with Miss Dimchick. As I arrived, I saw her open the gate and shoo Marcel out into the road - oh dear, as the Pundyman would say, oh dear, oh dear.
My bucket was so full that I could hardly lift it, but I tottered off down the road just as Dimchick Fuckwit was coming to the gate. Marcel was hot on her heels ready for his morning excursion.
"I believe this belongs to you" I said tipping three week's worth of Marcel's gifts over her wall, and all over her nice 'poo free' gravel "I thought you might like it back".
I didn't wait for the abuse, the expression on her face will last me into the next century.
And yes, I really am this shallow!!
10 comments:
Oh dear, oh dear (is that Pundy's phrase?) Oh dear, oh dear. I'm sure she deserved it, but this vill not halp you! Now you've got to go and make amends. Go tell her you were upset (by some other event of your choosing) and you're so sorry you did that. I know you're not sorry, but pretend you are. Life will be easier for you if you do. You don't need that woman making your future life miserable.
What? You forgot the catbox?
Susan, I canot possibly go into the sordid details of how Dimchick got her name but suffice to say she is the bane of the neighbourhood. Since the 'drop' neither I, nor my neighbours, have received any presents from Marcel. Bingo!!
Shallow, I did tell you!
Catbox jta? Just hope Owen isn't listening!
Sorry, Susan, but life ain't meant to be easy. It's messy and full of shit but Minx has found a way to dump the worst bits and still feel good. Her future life won't be made miserable by that woman - in fact Dim has provided a way to keep Minx smiling 'til next century!
Minx - sorry to talk about you like you're not here ... It's not shallow - it's life affirming ...
Maybe I should put you in touch with my ex in-laws, they have been in neighbour disputes for (ehm) ever. FIL discovered that the neighbour was cleaning his autumn lawn by chucking the leaves over into his garden. So protected in plastic gloves he spread dog muck (their own dog obviously) all over the leaves and lobbed them back over the fence and then turned his CCTV cameras on (it's all very high tech up there). FIL and MIL watched with glee as the neighbour dutifully lobbed the leaves over the fence, ran his hands through his hair, began to wrinkle his nose, smelt and examined his hands and ran into the house!
A huge round of applause for The Minxster!
On the one hand I feel like cheering - what a gutsy move (and good story). On the other, I'm conventional enough to agree with Susan - neighbours have a way of getting their own back, even years down the road, though not necessarily with the contents of a bucket.
No need for me to apologise Susan and Lee. She is up for sale and will soon be taking her pooping dog and her trail of unsavoury men with her!
You know I wouldn't apologise anyway, I'm a Minx!
I love cats but can't have one as they give the MP asthma. I am sorry to make a confession and hope you will speak to me after it, but I do not like dogs (except for working dogs eg collies). Our new neighbours have this huge dog, a boxer I think, and it is always in front of the house sniffing about in our front yard. And I keep finding these "calling cards". I have never actually caught this dog at it, but when I do....
The other day, the internet man came to deliver my groceries. I opened the door to see he had gone to his van to get the next load, and this dog had its nose in the bags by the door. I shouted at the neighbour, "oi, your dog has its nose in my groceries" and she just replied, with a merry laugh "oh, isn't he sweet".
I fulminated to the MP later on, who replied "she's young, young people have different ways of behaving" (unspoken: to old gits like us).
Wish I could have a cat, though.
I will post again about the 'Fable of Ulysses the Useless'. He was an 'accidental dog' Maxine. He came, he saw and he stayed!
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