I have a dog called Useless and a cat called Owen Airing Cupboard (Owen for short, named after my lovely departed Dad). We shall concentrate on the latter and unfold a story that has taken place over the last two months and culminated last week in utter and incredible joy.
Owen is a social creature with a nose for adventure and an eye for the neighbourhood fillies. I'm not sure what all his prejudices are, but he loves gingers and hates tabbies. He also loves dogs.
About eight weeks ago I started to notice that our front lawn was being decorated by less than savoury objects. Useless kindly does his business on the back patio and the Feckers are paid to remove it to the dog bin - he was not the culprit (for once).
One morning I called the cat in for breakfast. Following behind, like one of Owen's harem, came Marcel, a West Highland terrier belonging to Dimchick Fuckwit down the road. Can I just add here that I have given all my neighbours my own names and she is not to be confused with Bible Barry, Lawnmower Man or Only on a Friday who live across from us.
Anyway to cut this tale down to size, Marcel continued to follow Owen home and make a deposit every day without fail.
I am not, by nature, a vindictive Minx but enough was enough and I marched off down the road to have talks with Miss Dimchick. As I arrived, I saw her open the gate and shoo Marcel out into the road - oh dear, as the Pundyman would say, oh dear, oh dear.
My bucket was so full that I could hardly lift it, but I tottered off down the road just as Dimchick Fuckwit was coming to the gate. Marcel was hot on her heels ready for his morning excursion.
"I believe this belongs to you" I said tipping three week's worth of Marcel's gifts over her wall, and all over her nice 'poo free' gravel "I thought you might like it back".
I didn't wait for the abuse, the expression on her face will last me into the next century.
And yes, I really am this shallow!!