Saturday, July 05, 2008

Dangerous pursuits

In the interests of my aging body I am forced to turn my attention to umm, tightening up the things that have become a little loose of late. I am not fat but some areas could be described as 'lying comfortably' rather than 'perky' (my right knee, for instance).

So here's the problem -I am lazy, I abhor violent sport and I do not wish to sweat. I don't want to join a gym (they smell) and have no wish to run anywhere (so inelegant).
A friend suggested getting a Wii, but after some half hearted reserch I have found that it is most definitely dangerous and apart from the completely crap name just take a look at the injuries one can sustain......

...why is the woman with the purple golf ball eye smiling? She should have a bag over her head!

I am not into competitive sport or anything that involves missiles (balls etc). I might fight you over a chocolate biscuit, but if you want it that bad then you can have it.
I am also a witch and so therefore vain so please don't suggest anything like yoga, pilates or breathing exercises because I may end up like this poor soul...

...and those shoes are just horrible.

So please could we discuss some sort of 'lying down' exercise programme that requires little or no movement for a lazy writer with very toned fingers and a flat ass, or we could just sit around and have a few gins?

.

31 comments:

fatboysblogg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jon M said...

Sigh...I wish I could meet someone who could do that...ahem anyway! Why not just go for a walk every now and then you burn 100 calories a mile whether you run or walk and walking gives you chance to take in the scenery!

Just going back to that photo now...

Nothingman said...

humm..eat less :)


N

Minx said...

I don't want to be any thinner, FB, the fat is holding some things up!

There are names for people like you, Jon M (studiously ignores walking suggestion).

Surely eating is some kind of exercise, Nothingman? I have to chew. What about me bingo wings?

Kay said...

Just revel in your thinness! :) and eat chocolate.

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

Tried simple creative visualisation? You know, just lie around and think yourself perky and trim? They say the power of the mind is awesome...

Reading the Signs said...

"The Plank," Minx. It's like a press-up but you stay there, just raised up on your palms, and hold the position as long as you can. Does wonders for the abs, apparently. I wouldn't know though.

Minx said...

I do that anyway, Kay, I think it might be responsible for the baggy bits (ignores own stupid statement).

I don't want to think too many perky thoughts, Vanilli, it might be dangerous.

That sounds as if it might hurt, Signs, I don't like anything that hurts. And what are 'abs'? Absent muscles?

Roberta said...

One word. Keigle.
I'm sure you'll figure it out. ;)

Minx said...

Shrieks!
Roberta, are you insinuating that me bits are dropping out on the floor? I can assure you that the last time I looked...umm...oh...dear....

john.g. said...

Horizontal jogging! Works a treat for a bone-idle writer!

Minx said...

You used the 'j' word, John G - it doesn't count. Horizontal is good though.

girl with the mask said...

The gin. I take the gin option. Ice and lemon?

Minx said...

There was a choice, GWTM?

Debi said...

Rule 1: Never look in the mirror.
Rule 2: Hitting people who use the *exercise* (sorry!) word uses up quite a few calories.
Rule 3: Some foods cancel each other out. So as long as you have something savoury (eg cashews) to punctuate the chocolate, you'll be fine. The same is true of the lime in the gin.

(I just made Rule 3 up, but I'm experimenting to see if it's true. If it isn't, I won't know anyway due to Rule 1.)

Minx said...

How hard do I have to hit, Debi, are we talking a feeble slap or a punch in the face?
Rule 3 is absolutely true - I have just read up on Einstein's theory on the square root of pie. Minx x pie2 = my pie, all my pie and none for you.

Stevyn Colgan said...

Seems to me that if keeping things where they should be is the issue, small foam wedges and double-sided sticky tape is the answer. Or those ghastly elasticated unmentionables so beloved of Gok Wan and those two fashion harridans ... Skinny and Tranny or whatever they're called. Revel in your svelte form and leave the angst to us chunky types. x

Debi said...

Depends how close they are to you. If you have to actually get off the settee, you might have to rethink.

Don't get confused when struggling with those mathematical concepts. Algebra is a support item of clothing made from seaweed.

Minx said...

Stevyn, you're a genius! I wonder if I should invest in a stapler as well? I have just purchased some elasticated unmentionables but cannot figure out how to get them on yet.

Gosh, Debi, you should have been my maths teacher - no one explained algebra like that before. I wonder if it works with the foam and tape that the genius suggested?

David M N Bate said...

I was going to say 'think yourself fit', but I've been neaten to it, I see. So, what about casting a spell?

I have the same issue with my own body these days. I'm sure the chocolate doesn't help (a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips {talking fo cliches}) ... but then I carry my 4 year-old daughter up and down Trewalney Road on my shoulders every day!!

leslie said...

Your final paragraph is my favorite!
"...discuss...sit around...have a few gins."
What was the difficulty you were having?

Writers who have 'things that lie comfortably' have a place to store their writing implements.

Minx said...

David, have you been at my gin? And please don't try and convince me that I have middle-aged flop - I'm not listening!


Do you know, Leslie, I quite often think of my blog as having some comfy old sofa's where everyone can help themselves to a drink, kick off their shoes, sit down, relax and tell all their dirtiest secrets.
Btw, if you have nowhere to store your pens in the traditional way I can send over a spare pen pot for you, if you like. Bodily storage should really be avoided.

BarbaraS said...

The upside is that I bet your tongue doesn't need toning ;)

Bee said...

I have absolutely no weight loss tips, sorry. I just spent months training to walk a marathon, and didn't lose even one pound.

Fashion tip: Kaftans are nice for the summer.

As for gin, I didn't realize until recently that Pimm's was a gin-based cocktail. I knew that there was something lethal in that bottle, but I didn't know what exactly. I guess I'm voting for drinking more gin. Bottom's up!

Minx said...

I did notice a few wrinkles on my tongue the other day, Babs, is this normal for women of our age?

Bee, there is nothing lethal in Pimms - whoever told you is a kaftan wearing liar! The only problem with it is that it kind of sneaks up on you from below!

Jan said...

Have some fudge from a certain shop I know in St Ives; it always makes me feel great!

handmaiden said...

Get one of these pretend it's your ex (if you have one) or some other equally despicable person. It works quite well.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Gin and chocolates, absolutely.

I firmly recommend them for just such a crisis.

And I'm amazed that no one has said it yet, but I've heard that sex is fantastic for fitness.
Hire a lawn boy or something interesting like that.

*naughty grin & giggles*

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Minx said...

I haven't got a clue what that does HM, but I think I want one - do they come 'large'?

Now yer talkin', Scarlett!

handmaiden said...

They don't "do" anything, that's the beauty of it. You get to pretend they are the jerks that stole the best part of your life & you beat the hell out of them.

"Take that! You cad!"

See what I mean? It's good exercise.

Minx said...

Sorry, Jan, didn't mean to ignore you!
I was in St Ives the other day, I avoid all the pasty/fudge/fat thighs kind of places as much as I can. I did go to a good gallery though.