It has come to my attention that some people feel that they can just walk right in to my comments box and do and say exactly what they please. So just like those wonderful signs at the swimming pool I think it is about time that I gave you the rules of engagement with the Inner Minx....
1) No spittin' - spitting is rude, un-hygenic and makes a mess in the archives. A spittoon will be placed at the door for those who need to hoik before entering.
2) No cussin' - poncy cussing will not be tolerated. If you wish to swear then please do it properly - I know all the words and use them regularly.
3) No heavy petting - heavy pets must be left in the lobby but a little light petting is indeed acceptable (except for Muts, and he knows why)
4) No sex - there isn't room, so please refer to the instruction on 1) - spittoon etc.
5) No loitering - if you are hanging about in my site meter then I want to know who you are. It is no good just leaving me a vague ISP address, I want an explanation. Whoever it is who comes in at 10.30am every morning - does your boss know that you are reading blogs at work? And the one from the Pentagon (4-5 pm) - get back to work, your country needs you!
6) No google searches - not unless you are really inventive and can think of something other than 'sexy minx' (true, but not very original).
7) No innuendo or lewdness - please get to the point and refrain from double entendre's, tell it like it is and we will all be happier. Smutty and lascivious comments are perfectly acceptable.
8) No stalking - I had one once before and they will not be tolerated. Anyone who hangs around for longer than half an hour will be locked in a room with Pundy (he saved me once before - hero).
9) No chatting amongst yourselves - comments should be directed at the blog host. Anyone would think that some of you are actually friends (which can't happen on the interweb obviously).
10) No parties - this blog has been subject to a number of parties, mostly held in my absence. Seeing as I was one of the founder members of "Oh look, he's on holiday, let's party in the comments box" I would like to encourage partying when the blog host is in residence.
11) No diving in the shallow end - is this applicable? I'm not sure.
12) No food or drink - except gin and chocolate, oh and bananas, which I seem to be eating a lot of lately.
13) No ball games - for obvious reasons (no balls).
Thank you for your attention. A well tended blog is a happy blog so maybe it is best to ignore most of the above and carry on as we were.
33 comments:
I know what you mean about the google searches. Should I be worried my blog got found by somebody in Mumbai googling 'sex with a seventy year old woman'?
I have a habit of clicking on a site then going & doing something else & forgetting about it, or falling asleep, even.
Don't think nuth'n of it. If I do it to you I'm not stalking you, I promise.Besides, sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to construct one sentence. :)
BTW, I don't have a site meter on my handmaiden blog. It was a deliberate move on my part, because I tend to get obsessive when I speculate too much.
Oh yes, & I love the post. You are so darn witty!
Um, your 10:30 guest is probably me, since that's when I, coffeed and newspapered sufficiently, sit down at my stealthy machine for a quick look at my loca loci. Not sorry, not a bit.
Oh, and fuck all these rules, OK?
I have worse than that, GWTM, don't these people know that they traceable?
It's all right, Handmaiden, I know your sloppy habits. Funny, isn't it, site meter's are useful and so damn irritating at the same time. I am nosy so it does fulfill my curiosity as to who has popped in, when, where from, at what time etc, etc!
You live in Beijing and work for Durex, John? How cool, although I always thought you were Merkan. Glad to see you are employing rule 2 properly but please stop diving off the sofa (sheesh, another rule coming up).
2) No cussin' - poncy cussing will not be tolerated. If you wish to swear then please do it properly - I know all the words and use them regularly.
Well shit bricks!
Debi...You said she wouldn't mind if we had a party here. Now we're in trouble with her.
I told you not to spit in the archives! Next time use the sidebar.
Oop. Straighten up. Here she comes...
Oh. And person that works at the Pentagon....get back to work!
"Hocktooui, sod the masturbating hippo looming to ogle the Minx's Google through binoculars borrowed at the pool party from the chap playing catch with a melon ball. Eh, what, Leslie."
For Fucks sake Minx, are you trying to spoil ALL our fun!?
there are some very strange things happening in this blog...
but that's why I come here - escaping... escaping... ... ...
Are there any rules about dancing, the swimming pool or attire?
Scarlett & Viaggiatore
No one looks at you, FB, because they all crammed into my comments box!Whoo hoo.
Is that the best you can do, Roberta?
Party, Leslie? Now? Oooh yes. Drinks are in the fridge (to your left) and the nuts are all stood around making stupid comments!
G&G, have you been at the acid again?
Not all of it, John G, just most of it - hee. Rules is rules, abide or die.
Babs, come into my chill out room....
Attire is very important, Scarlett, regardless of whether you are dancing in the swimming pool (weird Americans). Always be original and never ordinary. Anyone wearing sandals and socks will be shot at dawn.
I for one abhor public displays of lewdness. So all I willl say is tha if you would just join me in the sack once more - even a mercy fuck will do - then I will promise no more obscene remarks. Not even ones about black silky knicks which no one else gets....
Hang on...
was this allaimed at me?
I don't stalk yer blog as am parked at the end of the street and theres no broadband..
By the way Girl in the Mask - I often miss commenting on yer posts even though I visit because of yer strange security numbing my ADHD.. just thought you should know..
Is that the best you can do, Roberta?
No. But I don't wanna get kicked off the blog. Just a small rebellion on my part. :) Kinda like throwing tea in the Boston Harbour!
Is that you in the lime green cortina, Muts? I'll put the kettle on when you have stopped flirting with GWTM.
Just for sport, and because google searchers don't come back very often, I'll just let you know what they have been looking for on my blog tonight...
'squirrel nutkin i've got a tail'
'beating up babies flash game'
'himsee campingplatz'
'cant pluck me yew'
'slonk definition'
'googlepuss'
'itchy nipples, superstitions'
and look, look, GWTM....
'eboy granny sex' - yurk!
Roberta, would I ever kick you off my blog? Well, I might if I catch you in socks and sandals
Lurk lurk lurkety lurk...
Soub, you are a professional lurker - you are allowed.
Cute rules, Minx! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But can we stick with them?... :-)
No acid, Minxy, Just a hit of your rules and a regurgitation violating them all.
Rules are there to be broken, twisted, manipulated and ignored, Vesper - do as ye will.
You mean you are like that normally, Todd? How cool.
Yikes! Rules!
Slinks off, twitching ...
I am not a weird American... I am unusual... yes, but not weird.
I'm going through a Bohemian phase right now, so there are sandals with no socks (blood red paint on toes), lots of long flowy skirts, loose blouses, bangly jewelry and a casual air.
Does that work?
Also... I ballroom dance, I tango... that's tricky to do in the pool, so is it okay to do that in your garden or thereabouts?
Scarlett & Viaggiatore
Debi, have I rattled your snake, found your Achilles knee? Life is full of rules..
1. Only wear knickers on Sundays.
2. Always steal your children's chocolate.
3. Reward self with large cream cake after accomplishing any task.
4. Slap mobile phone users on buses
5. Swear loud and often to relieve stress.
Scarlett, a tango should only be performed in a wetsuit and clogs in the swimming pool. Did I say you were weird?
I have rolled a fat spliff and I can lick my inner thigh...
That's because you're a dawg, Muts!
I have fat inner thighs, Muts, and am feeling quite spliffy too!
I'm not a professional lurker.
Strictly amateur.
Nobody ever paid me so much as one penny to do my lurking.
I'm also prone, like Handmaiden to open a window or tab and then wander off somewhere else.
I might thus appear to lurk for an entire weekend, whilst in reality I'm far away.
I noticed, Soub.
Minx,
I have moved recently. When the movers showed up to get the job done, one of them had Birkenstock sandals and knee high socks on; and he was easily a man in his 50's or 60's. I immediately remembered your rule.
I choked back a fit of giggles and thought to myself, "Good thing Minx didn't see you or you'd have been shot at dawn!"
soooooo funny.
Scarlett & V.
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