Sunday, July 08, 2007

Letters to the World

Dear Mrs Shop Assistant,
I am sure that Margaret's leg will get better and I'm very sorry for that bit of trouble that Carol had with next door's cat but we really need to have a little discussion about .....

Oh, okay, you haven't finished telling Sandra about Mrs Penberthy down the road. No, it's fine I'll wait because as we know it's only my lunch time and I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!

Right, have I got your attention? What? Yes, that's right, I was next. You have already served two people before me because they go to your church and I didn't even bat an eyelid when you punched on the wrong number into the credit machine - five times more than is normally expected!

You see, this is very difficult for me. I was not blessed with the patience of Job, the God of Endless Patience while waiting in Queues unfortunately suffered a mild seizure the day I was born. Underneath this smiling, calm exterior lies a raging killing machine that is intent on ripping off your 'How can I help you?' badge and ramming it down your throat if you don't serve me now!

It is not asking much. By the time I have battled my way through the hoards of pensioners getting off their freebie bus and the thousand other lunchtime shoppers I arrive at your shop to change a pair of trousers with a broken zip.
Unfortunately for me, your manager sees lunchtime as a quiet time and he has left you and Sandra in charge of a queue that now resembles Selfridges January sales. I would feel sorry for you, those uniforms do nothing for you, but it appears that one of you forgot to push the urgency emergency button and one look at my face will tell you that I am a woman on the edge.

So please, if you see me coming, could you possible make a little effort to at least notice my existence.

What? No, it's okay, I don't want my money back, I'll just change the trousers for another pair. Oh I see, your feet don't work and we'll have to wait for Sandra who is now on her mobile to her boyfriend.
Pardon? No, blue trousers, size ten. If I had wanted a pair of brown in a size twenty I would have bought them in the first place. Wouldn't I?

Not very sincerely
Mrs Minx

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11 comments:

mutleythedog said...

I posted a comment on your last thingy but it never showed up.. I wonder why not. I am glad I don't have to deal with you as a customer... as I am easily scared...

John said...

It's really a shame you don't live in the States, Kate (as opposed to a state). As you may be aware, we're only expected to tolerate a minimum of this sort of behaviour from salespeople; after a certain threshold is reached, we simply shoot them, and there's an end to it. In a pinch one can buy a very serviceable little revolver in most any notions shop, just for the purpose. The system works, and it gives the cleaning staff something to do as well. You might want to write your MP.

Minx said...

I am sorry you were lost, Mutley, as far as I am aware I have not pushed any buttons lately. I am really very calm and patient, so no need to be scared. You do believe me don't you?

John, my inner minx is constantly in a state. If she had access to firearms she would now be doing time for any number of heinous crimes against shop assistants, postmen, bin men, council workers, etc. I have, however, considered whipping out my crossbow at such times - is this legal? I can only be pushed so far......

me said...

ahah. I would never work in returns.

Or at a vietnamese market. God knows how many pennies old asian women can collect, or how long they might take to count, what with the 72 dollars in bananas they've just purchased!

Absolute Vanilla... (& Atyllah) said...

Ha, you should come and enjoy our queues, especially those for passport renewals - and this in a nation that has no concept of queues in the first instance... The Minx, I believe would be ripping out throats, scratching out eyes and dropping hexes all over the place! I know I do.

john.g. said...

Don't whip your crossbow out! There must be something scarier about your person!

*I'm off*

Jon M said...

Hi Minx,

Sorry to hear about your near-spat in a clothes shop, I had a similar experience in a revolver shop in America once. Tried to give me a Bren gun when I wanted a Baretta. Still, he was armed and more dangerous than me so...:-)

Minx said...

Jon M, John G, have you met John? I think you will all get on really well.

john.g. said...

Minx, WE'VE MET..watch out!

mutleythedog said...

I know this will annoy you BUT... I am launching a special blog competition with great prizes.. BLOG SMUT AWARDS!!

Minx said...

Mutley, you are pimping yourself again! Nuff!

Gentle reader - rather than his bound-to-be-too-rude-for-TV smutley fest I would point you in the direction of Alotted Span to read a gentle tale of life on the allotment.

Failing that nip over to Muts and have a gawp at the rules and the most excellent prizes (prizes??). Warning - not for those of a delicate disposition!