I am sure that Margaret's leg will get better and I'm very sorry for that bit of trouble that Carol had with next door's cat but we really need to have a little discussion about .....
Oh, okay, you haven't finished telling Sandra about Mrs Penberthy down the road. No, it's fine I'll wait because as we know it's only my lunch time and I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!
Right, have I got your attention? What? Yes, that's right, I was next. You have already served two people before me because they go to your church and I didn't even bat an eyelid when you punched on the wrong number into the credit machine - five times more than is normally expected!
You see, this is very difficult for me. I was not blessed with the patience of Job, the God of Endless Patience while waiting in Queues unfortunately suffered a mild seizure the day I was born. Underneath this smiling, calm exterior lies a raging killing machine that is intent on ripping off your 'How can I help you?' badge and ramming it down your throat if you don't serve me now!
It is not asking much. By the time I have battled my way through the hoards of pensioners getting off their freebie bus and the thousand other lunchtime shoppers I arrive at your shop to change a pair of trousers with a broken zip.
Unfortunately for me, your manager sees lunchtime as a quiet time and he has left you and Sandra in charge of a queue that now resembles Selfridges January sales. I would feel sorry for you, those uniforms do nothing for you, but it appears that one of you forgot to push the urgency emergency button and one look at my face will tell you that I am a woman on the edge.
So please, if you see me coming, could you possible make a little effort to at least notice my existence.
What? No, it's okay, I don't want my money back, I'll just change the trousers for another pair. Oh I see, your feet don't work and we'll have to wait for Sandra who is now on her mobile to her boyfriend.
Pardon? No, blue trousers, size ten. If I had wanted a pair of brown in a size twenty I would have bought them in the first place. Wouldn't I?
Not very sincerely