Dear Agatha, I want to cook a romantic meal for my boyfriend tonight as we have been together for ten years. Can you suggest a menu for a man with a large stomach and a tooth challenged mouth? I am hoping that some fine cuisine will lead to a little more than a cup of cocoa and repeats of Match of the Day.
Dear Soppy, I recommend my famous Minge Soup. Gordon Ramsay has used it in his resturants (although I have to say he fiddled with it a bit). To a base of garlic, onions, kelp, chilli powder and vinegar, add five pints of stout, a couple of oysters and a careful measure of chocolate sprinkles. I hope this works but I wouldn't hold out much hope as I don't think there is an ingredient in the world that would compete with cocoa.
Dear Agatha, can you recommend a good way to get stains out of my underwear? You see, my wife used to deal with that sort of thing but she ran off with her over-tanned, over- packaged, personal trainer and left me in Y-front hell. Please help.
I've taken to playing with my Jack Russells in the back garden and the neighbours have complained. I only let them out every now and again and I think it is only fair, they're cooped up virtually all week. I think it's a joy to see them bouncing around in the early morning light. I even said my neighbours could stroke them if they wanted but they've got proper sniffy about the whole thing. What I need to know is, twelve bore or beaten to death with an olive branch?
I've become addicted to blogsurfing and leaving vicious comments on other people's blogs. I do this anonymously of course but I have the feeling some people might have guessed my identity. I'm scared they're going to unmask me, which could have a severely detrimental effect on my life (such as it is) as I am a Very Important Person with a Very Important Job.
I can't give up being nasty so can you give me some advice as to how I can protect myself?
If you don't, I shall of course be leaving some really vile comments on your blog in due course. Cos I'm that kinda guy.
Dear Bernie, I would recommend washing them. Four days wear is enough for anyone. I have a weakness for a man in Y-fronts. One is hoping that you are matching them to a string vest for full effect.
Dear Bounding, not everyone likes to see a pair of Russels out in the fresh air. Unleashed they can be quite frightening. I would suggest that you use the twelve-bore. An olive branch is a lot slower and would take up valuable 'outside' time. Failing that, I would sell your neighbours house and move in a couple of like minded outdoor types.
Dear Mr Anonymous, I would recommend therapy but very often this only makes the problem worse. I can see that under it all you are a learned and erudite man so therefore I offer a taste of your own medicine. Now bog off and go and annoy someone else you snivelling, foul-mouthed weasel.
Dear John G, I have it on good authority that you are one of the wittiest men this side of the blogosphere and that you have more spine than most people. With friends like Trigger, and a pub that sells curry and black pudding (served on the same plate) I would say that life is definitely worth laughing about in your part of the world!
I've been swimming for days from New York to London and Google maps indicated that it would only take me 28... it's been months now, and I think I'm going in circles.
Dearest Agatha, I've been swimming for days from New York to London and Google maps indicated that it would only take me 28... it's been months now, and I think I'm going in circles.
How do I get there?
Lost at sea
Dear Lost at Sea, Google maps are made in the US, therefore the rest of the world doesn't show up too well. When you do get here would you mind meeting me at Lands End because this wi-fi/waterproof/compact computer that you are using is going to make us a fortune. Keep swimming towards the rising sun, avoid dangerous sea things and ignore any offers of help. I'll be waiting with some soup.
i have 14 minutes left to live. though i already have plans, i would like to hear from you your suggestions.
maybe by the time you read this, i'm already gone. but it's ok. heaven's got wi-fi technology, hasn't it?
thanks!
Dear Going Gone, Guess you've already gone then. Oops, sorry. Had a few glasses of Plonko Cheapo last night and got up late. Ah well, one less to worry about. Yes, yes, dear, heaven has wi-fi - why am I still talking to you?
I've just acqui*ed a lion and he's tu*ning out to be a bit of a pain in the a*se. He's g*izzling in the corner cos no one's been to tell him how beautiful his colou*ful mane is and keeps making me watch his back catalogue of Dakta*i videos. Whe*e could I get him stuffed? Plus The*e's something w*ong with the *s on my keyboard. Whe*e can I get my *s fixed?
How do I make my blog more popular? I have tried most thing in my power, and now I'm thinking of resorting to writing erotica to get readers.
Any suggestions?
N A Story A Day
Dear Nothingman, I had to wake up the Minx to get some answers for you. She says that littering your blog with erotica is a good start. Failing that you probably need to change your name. Minx suggests:- 'Popularman' 'Comeandgetmeman' 'Can'tresistmeman' 'Hugelyendowedman'
And comment, everywhere, all the time - otherwise they forget who you are and you become, err, Nothing! I would also suggest sabotage, and lots more of those lovely little links that you have so cleverly slipped into this comment.
I've just acqui*ed a lion and he's tu*ning out to be a bit of a pain in the a*se. He's g*izzling in the corner cos no one's been to tell him how beautiful his colou*ful mane is and keeps making me watch his back catalogue of Dakta*i videos. Whe*e could I get him stuffed? Plus The*e's something w*ong with the *s on my keyboard. Whe*e can I get my *s fixed?
Dear Jon, for blatant lion promotion see the tips above. Maybe you and Nothingman could scratch each others backs. Minx, (who is not pleased at being woken up again) says that her lion (the wonderfully, colourful and clever Bragi) likes popcorn with his Daktari.Your lion might also be upset about Clarence, the cross-eyed lion - maybe you should try 'Born Free' or 'The Terminator' (I like that one).
Concerning the broken r's, as a teacher you should know exactly where to find them (well,3 of them, reading, riting and rithmatic). Other than that pop down to the local 'r' shop and pick up a new one - honestly, some people are so *idiculous.
Dear Agatha, my mum is a hedgewitch. She has just put bright red streaks in her hair and sheis writing again so we are all starving.Please help and remind her that it is my birthday next week.
Dear Agatha, my mum is a hedgewitch. She has just put bright red streaks in her hair and sheis writing again so we are all starving.Please help and remind her that it is my birthday next week.
Dear Big Fecker, your mother is a creative type, she forgets the importance of eating and birthdays. I will give her a nudge.
Dear Agatha, I went to his blog but Nothing man won't scratch my back! well actually, I got cold feet and said I'd just look around and think of a short story for him!
Thanks Debi, Small Fecker is 14 on the moro and Big Fecker attains driving age on Friday (Goddess help the innocent). He's looking forward to seeing you again and says he is going to show you the delights of Cornwall when you come down - that'll be a walk to the pub then.
Jon, Agatha has returned to 'cure' the citizens of Bridport (Goddess help Mutley). She left us a cauldron of Minge Soup but the fumes have killed me plants.
Too hot for soup anyway - we are melting here.........
Dear Aggie? May I call you that? Anyway. I have an overstaying guest who will not leave despite my many hints and as I live in a very small place I am getting desperate. The problem is that I invited him t come and he seems to be settling in for the long term, as he brought part of his rail ticket and tram timetable collection with him...he has also started cooking indescribably awful food, such as quiche and licorice pies... I think he may be mad.
Can you suggest any ways I might get him to leave without hurting his feelings ?- (if he has any as I have set fire to his socks and he just laughed..) Also he keeps dressing as Dame Nellie Melba, as a oke it is OK, but it wears thin,,,
Dear Mutley, you can call Agatha what you like - I have just put her on the train back to Bridport. She was enjoying herself at that 'holiday camp'. Agatha is probably not the best person to advise you on your problem anyway being as she is the worst houseguest in the world (her stangely shaped support garments are still dripping from the windows in the attic). I fear I have only added to your problems by telling her that she could stay with you for a few weeks. The only advantage I can see here, is that she will get rid of any other squatters you may have. Don't eat the soup, don't let her near your phone and buy some earplugs (she has the sexual appetite of a elephant in must). Good luck.
27 comments:
Dear Agatha,
I want to cook a romantic meal for my boyfriend tonight as we have been together for ten years.
Can you suggest a menu for a man with a large stomach and a tooth challenged mouth? I am hoping that some fine cuisine will lead to a little more than a cup of cocoa and repeats of Match of the Day.
Dear Soppy,
I recommend my famous Minge Soup. Gordon Ramsay has used it in his resturants (although I have to say he fiddled with it a bit).
To a base of garlic, onions, kelp, chilli powder and vinegar, add five pints of stout, a couple of oysters and a careful measure of chocolate sprinkles. I hope this works but I wouldn't hold out much hope as I don't think there is an ingredient in the world that would compete with cocoa.
Dear Agatha,
can you recommend a good way to get stains out of my underwear? You see, my wife used to deal with that sort of thing but she ran off with her over-tanned, over- packaged, personal trainer and left me in Y-front hell. Please help.
Dear Agatha,
I've taken to playing with my Jack Russells in the back garden and the neighbours have complained. I only let them out every now and again and I think it is only fair, they're cooped up virtually all week. I think it's a joy to see them bouncing around in the early morning light. I even said my neighbours could stroke them if they wanted but they've got proper sniffy about the whole thing. What I need to know is, twelve bore or beaten to death with an olive branch?
Dear Agatha,
I've become addicted to blogsurfing and leaving vicious comments on other people's blogs. I do this anonymously of course but I have the feeling some people might have guessed my identity. I'm scared they're going to unmask me, which could have a severely detrimental effect on my life (such as it is) as I am a Very Important Person with a Very Important Job.
I can't give up being nasty so can you give me some advice as to how I can protect myself?
If you don't, I shall of course be leaving some really vile comments on your blog in due course. Cos I'm that kinda guy.
Agatha, can I get a new spinal cord, and if so, where from?
Dear Bernie,
I would recommend washing them. Four days wear is enough for anyone. I have a weakness for a man in Y-fronts. One is hoping that you are matching them to a string vest for full effect.
Dear Bounding,
not everyone likes to see a pair of Russels out in the fresh air. Unleashed they can be quite frightening.
I would suggest that you use the twelve-bore. An olive branch is a lot slower and would take up valuable 'outside' time. Failing that, I would sell your neighbours house and move in a couple of like minded outdoor types.
Dear Mr Anonymous,
I would recommend therapy but very often this only makes the problem worse.
I can see that under it all you are a learned and erudite man so therefore I offer a taste of your own medicine. Now bog off and go and annoy someone else you snivelling, foul-mouthed weasel.
Dear John G,
I have it on good authority that you are one of the wittiest men this side of the blogosphere and that you have more spine than most people. With friends like Trigger, and a pub that sells curry and black pudding (served on the same plate) I would say that life is definitely worth laughing about in your part of the world!
Agatha, well said to anonymous. What a cowardly moron, he must be.
PS. xx
Dearest Agatha,
I've been swimming for days from New York to London and Google maps indicated that it would only take me 28... it's been months now, and I think I'm going in circles.
How do I get there?
Lost at sea
dear agatha,
i have 14 minutes left to live. though i already have plans, i would like to hear from you your suggestions.
maybe by the time you read this, i'm already gone. but it's ok. heaven's got wi-fi technology, hasn't it?
thanks!
Dear Agatha...
How do I make my blog more popular? I have tried most thing in my power, and now I'm thinking of resorting to writing erotica to get readers.
Any suggestions?
N
A Story A Day
Lost at sea said...
Dearest Agatha,
I've been swimming for days from New York to London and Google maps indicated that it would only take me 28... it's been months now, and I think I'm going in circles.
How do I get there?
Lost at sea
Dear Lost at Sea,
Google maps are made in the US, therefore the rest of the world doesn't show up too well.
When you do get here would you mind meeting me at Lands End because this wi-fi/waterproof/compact computer that you are using is going to make us a fortune.
Keep swimming towards the rising sun, avoid dangerous sea things and ignore any offers of help. I'll be waiting with some soup.
going gone said...
dear agatha,
i have 14 minutes left to live. though i already have plans, i would like to hear from you your suggestions.
maybe by the time you read this, i'm already gone. but it's ok. heaven's got wi-fi technology, hasn't it?
thanks!
Dear Going Gone,
Guess you've already gone then. Oops, sorry. Had a few glasses of Plonko Cheapo last night and got up late. Ah well, one less to worry about.
Yes, yes, dear, heaven has wi-fi - why am I still talking to you?
Dear Agatha,
I've just acqui*ed a lion and he's tu*ning out to be a bit of a pain in the a*se. He's g*izzling in the corner cos no one's been to tell him how beautiful his colou*ful mane is and keeps making me watch his back catalogue of Dakta*i videos. Whe*e could I get him stuffed? Plus The*e's something w*ong with the *s on my keyboard. Whe*e can I get my *s fixed?
Nothingman said...
Dear Agatha...
How do I make my blog more popular? I have tried most thing in my power, and now I'm thinking of resorting to writing erotica to get readers.
Any suggestions?
N
A Story A Day
Dear Nothingman,
I had to wake up the Minx to get some answers for you. She says that littering your blog with erotica is a good start. Failing that you probably need to change your name.
Minx suggests:-
'Popularman'
'Comeandgetmeman'
'Can'tresistmeman'
'Hugelyendowedman'
And comment, everywhere, all the time - otherwise they forget who you are and you become, err, Nothing!
I would also suggest sabotage, and lots more of those lovely little links that you have so cleverly slipped into this comment.
Jon Mayhew said...
Dear Agatha,
I've just acqui*ed a lion and he's tu*ning out to be a bit of a pain in the a*se. He's g*izzling in the corner cos no one's been to tell him how beautiful his colou*ful mane is and keeps making me watch his back catalogue of Dakta*i videos. Whe*e could I get him stuffed? Plus The*e's something w*ong with the *s on my keyboard. Whe*e can I get my *s fixed?
Dear Jon,
for blatant lion promotion see the tips above. Maybe you and Nothingman could scratch each others backs.
Minx, (who is not pleased at being woken up again) says that her lion (the wonderfully, colourful and clever Bragi) likes popcorn with his Daktari.Your lion might also be upset about Clarence, the cross-eyed lion - maybe you should try 'Born Free' or 'The Terminator' (I like that one).
Concerning the broken r's, as a teacher you should know exactly where to find them (well,3 of them, reading, riting and rithmatic). Other than that pop down to the local 'r' shop and pick up a new one - honestly, some people are so *idiculous.
Dear Agatha,
my mum is a hedgewitch. She has just put bright red streaks in her hair and sheis writing again so we are all starving.Please help and remind her that it is my birthday next week.
Dear Agatha,
my mum is a hedgewitch. She has just put bright red streaks in her hair and sheis writing again so we are all starving.Please help and remind her that it is my birthday next week.
Dear Big Fecker,
your mother is a creative type, she forgets the importance of eating and birthdays. I will give her a nudge.
What's he doing in here? Get back to your MySpace, BF or there won't be any supper for you (if I was going to make any that is).
Happy birthday to both Feckers coming up soon.
Dear Agatha,
I went to his blog but Nothing man won't scratch my back! well actually, I got cold feet and said I'd just look around and think of a short story for him!
Thanks Debi, Small Fecker is 14 on the moro and Big Fecker attains driving age on Friday (Goddess help the innocent). He's looking forward to seeing you again and says he is going to show you the delights of Cornwall when you come down - that'll be a walk to the pub then.
Jon, Agatha has returned to 'cure' the citizens of Bridport (Goddess help Mutley). She left us a cauldron of Minge Soup but the fumes have killed me plants.
Too hot for soup anyway - we are melting here.........
Dear Aggie? May I call you that? Anyway. I have an overstaying guest who will not leave despite my many hints and as I live in a very small place I am getting desperate. The problem is that I invited him t come and he seems to be settling in for the long term, as he brought part of his rail ticket and tram timetable collection with him...he has also started cooking indescribably awful food, such as quiche and licorice pies... I think he may be mad.
Can you suggest any ways I might get him to leave without hurting his feelings ?- (if he has any as I have set fire to his socks and he just laughed..) Also he keeps dressing as Dame Nellie Melba, as a oke it is OK, but it wears thin,,,
Yours in desperation
MutleyDog
Dear Mutley,
you can call Agatha what you like - I have just put her on the train back to Bridport. She was enjoying herself at that 'holiday camp'.
Agatha is probably not the best person to advise you on your problem anyway being as she is the worst houseguest in the world (her stangely shaped support garments are still dripping from the windows in the attic).
I fear I have only added to your problems by telling her that she could stay with you for a few weeks. The only advantage I can see here, is that she will get rid of any other squatters you may have.
Don't eat the soup, don't let her near your phone and buy some earplugs (she has the sexual appetite of a elephant in must). Good luck.
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