Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Sometimes I sits and thinks

These questions were posed by Clare at Keeper of the Snails. I liked them, so.........

  1. What is the Book Whisperer?

I’m not sure but he works for Amazon and knows my credit card number. His best friend is the CD Persuader and between them they can clean my account in less that half an hour.

2. Why can I smell when it is going to snow?

Snow is quiet and has no voice. It announces its coming by appealing to the froidian nasal receptors.

3. Tell me about a road that leads to a world where there are no ideas.

I don’t want to talk about it because it runs alongside the path of ideas a-plenty. To speak of it is to acknowledge its existence and we all know that is a completely stupid idea!

4. How can I get a memory out of my head?

By using McHaggerty’s finest bluebird chopsticks. Extracting an un-wanted memory has to be done with the deftest touch otherwise you might leave any amount of mangled horror behind.

5. Where is Shallowland and what lives there?

Shallowland, lies on the edge of the Inane Lands just beyond the Superficial Swamp but before you get to the Lake of Triviality. I believe that Victoria Beckham has just bought a palace there.

6. Who is the man that lives inside the sun?

That would be Bernie.

7. When did you first know who you were?

When I told myself, just after I had woken up for the first time.

8. Why do gnats fly in spirals and never hit each other?

They attend gnat school for the first ten minutes of their lives (about two human years). After completing basic training they pass out, die, or continue on to get their gnat wings. Very few get to Captain but in 9.25am Gnigel Gnattington became the first gnat to complete the double helix tri-ombobulating back to front heinlich manoeuvre and was awarded the Gnobel Prize.

9. What is love?

Love is all that exists.

10. How can I capture a free spirit?

Don’t be silly, I am already free.



Saaleha said...

p.o. box 000

dear madame minx

it has come to my attention that you are in possession of a brain of superior wit and what not. in the interest of rendering an invaluable service to all the inhabitants of brain-bye-bye-fontein, i would like to request your brain. it will better the lives of all residents no end (i did mention that i'm the mayor, did i not?)

do your bit for humanity. give freely of yourself.

your brain will be returned at the end of the lease period. length of the lease is open to discussion, with twenty years being the minimum period.

if you refuse this cordial request, you will be visited by the Extractor.

i'm sure we understand each other.

thanking you
Lord d dimwit MBBCHT

Debi said...

Thanks for clearing up that thing about the gnats. I always wondered ...

Anonymous said...

OMG! My free spirit got captured. I captured it! Stuffed it in a tiny capsule and dropped it down a drain somewhere during torrential rains. How the hell am I gonna find it again now?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mayor/Lord Dimwit,

Unfortunately this brain has just been withdrawn from active duty. After a rather rowdy weekend the owner then went on to try and tackle some numbers and has knackered it.

The Extractors are welcome to what is left but I fear they will only find a half eaten coffee and a cold cup of sandwich.

However, if you just look over some of the links to this blog you may find some excellent replacements (well some of them).

Temporalia Lobe
(Brain Agent to the Stars)

Unknown said...

Debi, just read in the Gnational Gnews that Gnorman G Gniffinugger has discovered the 'I'll try not to bang into you' gene. The Gnat Society are expected to argue the gnature or gnurture question in the next few seconds.

Sharon, that was a bit sloppy. I would suggest hunting for it somewhere between Bognor Regis and Scunthorpe.

Anonymous said...

Gvery Gfunny - love yer post!! I find 2 litres of unpasteurised scrumpy clears most memories or leaves them as a faint blur... is Shallowland in Exmoor?

Unknown said...

I believe you may be right, Mut, tis close to the Clotted Cream mines.

Unknown said...

I'll try some of those chopstick thingamejigs sometime. Now do you stick them in your nose or ear? I'm a bit concerned cos I'm just worried about what else might come out.

Unknown said...

Minx, you worry me sometimes.

Unknown said...

I wouldn't be too concerned, V, I had never had much success with McHaggerty's finest bluebird chopsticks. As Mutley says scrumpy seems to do the trick or a few headbutts to a concrete wall.

John, I never mean to worry anyone. The people in the white coats are really very kind.

Anonymous said...

Bernie. I love that.

You always make me smile. That is okay, isn't it?

Unknown said...

Hmm, very strange, I was going to do a post tonight entitled "sometimes I sits and thinks..." You're not trying to barrage me with your psychic voice are you? I've already had one other person do that to me today. Enough already, I say!

Pee Ess, thanx for explaining that thing about gnats, I'd always wondered...

Unknown said...

Building site toilets were a good source of poetic genius.
'Some come here to sit and think,
I come here to shit and stink'!

Unknown said...

Why are you asking me GT? I am not the smile police.

John G, that is a boys poem, take it away. We girls don't smell.

Jon M said...

I want some of those chopsticks and what is the lettering doing on your blog? The red seemed to stand out in front of the white!

Or maybe I just picked the wrong mushrooms from the fairy glen again!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

An Oracle Minx all full of gnowledge and love and free spiritedness.

That'd be you.

Saaleha... what do used brains go for? Dime a dozen? I don't think I'd miss it if you wanted to use it for a while, I'll even send the chopsticks with it.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Unknown said...

Psychic, Aty? Definitely gnot (heh).

Scarlett, take no notice of Saaleha, she has postnatal brain fixation and already has a perfectly sharp brain of her own.

I think the fairies ripped you off Jon - bad trip, man. Take another look in the morning - it will all become clear.

(jeezus - stoners!)

Roberta said...

I just peed meself laughing!

Oh, please don't tell anyone.

By the way, the word verification is gblvxqce.

My fingers are having a hell of a time.

Unknown said...

Roberta, I will not be held responsible for your incontinence.

Unknown said...

Sounds like Roberta could do with those chopsticks (or maybe she should be sharing that with all of us, seeing as she's just confessed to wetting herself). Anyway I've done the Scrumpy and banging my head and I ended up with a headache for a week and was very ill, but strangely enough remember it all!

Unknown said...

Roberta needs a plug rather than chopsticks, V.

The Scrumpy don't work either and is more likely to dissolve your liver than remove a memory!

Note to self - need to talk about Scrumpy, people have the wrong idea about people in the south.

Jon M said...

I think it might be my contact lenses actually...have to pop down to the gnomes in town and get them to grind me a new pair!