Friday, February 02, 2007


A while ago, bad mother that I am, I tried to sell me Big Fecker....
Description of product:- A bargain priced, man-sized Big Fecker!!
Appearance - Large hairy type, pierced eyebrow, scruffy head with a wicked pair of eyes.
Sex - definitely male and already displaying the immature traits of his sire.
Hormone status - raging
Habits - nocturnal but has been know to rise mid-afternoon to answer the call of a wave.
Beerpig status - still maturing, practises frequently
Maintenance -
Hair gel consumption - high
Phone card - high
Water use - low
Food intake - sporadic and poorly timed
A BF comes with free accessories:- unmade bed, 90% of all household coffee cups and aromatic washing that hasn't seen the light of day for six months.
Add-ons - This model comes with 'The Big Fecker Social Club' - attachments of varying styles who make themselves at home anywhere and are also able to sleep on anything.
Extras include:-
The Big Fecker Maintenance Kit - Gas mask, Barbeque tongs (for sock fishing) ,Odour eliminator spray


Well, Little Fecker, has come to maturity sooner than expected so I am now offering a
'buy one get one free' deal.
The Little Fecker model comes with his own language, his own smell, and a drawer full of dubious looking 'comics', (not that I've had a close look).

Anyway, hurry, hurry, this offer ends somewhere at the end of puberty, which should be about the time they decide to leave home.


Anonymous said...

errrm - he sounds nice to me?

Meloney Lemon said...

Boys and toys - girls and dolls.
Have a couple of small breed pedigrees who are not chums. Comes with hair pulling and indoor football skills, female comes with own plastic child and selection of sparkly hairgrips. Must be kept in separate cages. Am keeping older spotted longhair as I.C.T skills come in handy.....

Roberta said...

I'll take both, for one fee. Remind them there is a lot to do around here after my own "feckers" left. There are several trees to chop up and put into seperate piles for burning. Laundry is no dirty it you clean it. Dishes follow the same rule.

Oh, might be a problem, lights out at 10:00 pm. Mamma has to rise early, so things need to be quiet. No visitors. (Sorry about their luck.) I help pay the bills. They don't like it, they can get a job and fill in for my time off due to weariness.

There are also advantages. I have a recording studio in the basement, don't mind piercings and tattoos, cook well enough to keep the others coming home for Sunday Supper and the dog doesn't bite. Much.

One small problem, if the draft is reinstated, they will have to travel to Canada with my owne blood children and work for my dear friend Anna. It's okay, she's cool.

Saaleha said...

Well since you put it that way, I'll stick to me own fecker. And I have two little feckers as well. For now, they're tolerable.

Unknown said...

They are nice, Mutley, they're just male. However,I was duped. It appears that they didn't come with that 'I'll just put that away, shall I?' facility, and no apparent radar to direct them to the dirty washing basket.

Roberta, passports are sorted and plane tickets have been purchased. I will give you a trial offer, but they will only stay until the start of summer - I looked on the map - you have no sea in West Virginia.

Sparkly hairgrips can bugger up the vacuum cleaner.

Unknown said...

Hmm... thanks, but I think I'll pass, Granny is quite enough of a handful.

S. Kearney said...

sorry, minx, you're too nice, so you're stuck with em! they ain't going nowhere! they will be smooching up to you until they're at least in their late 20s! at least you'll be able to write about them. :)

Unknown said...

Late 20's!!! Are you mad, Shameless?
I shall buy suitable women for them and pack them off to pastures new. I shall then purchase a small flat with no spare bedrooms, no phone, and definitely no washing machine!

Marie said...

Not for me, thanks. I'm still a kid myself!

Unknown said...

Atyllah, a handful of Granny is worth two feckers in the bush. Are you sure? They like hot weather and they are not around much. You only know if they've been home because their bowls are empty.

Roberta said...

No Deal!!! I need someone that is eager and appreciative of mowing five acres in the summer, once or twice a week!

After that, they get to play in white water kayaks in the local rivers and break their necks trying to stay alive!

It's all harmless.

Believe me Kate, I'll make men of them. ;)

Confucious Trevaskis said...

I don't see why we have to wait 3 years to sell the little fecker...........

Unknown said...

Roberta, they think that they are men already - they have hair and everything.

Now, CT, read the post properly and see that Little Fecker has come on the market earlier than expected. Come to think of it, perhaps I could add a small, confused philosopher to the deal, hmmm......

Unknown said...

How about a buy three, get three free deal? I can deliver straight to your door, whether that is in the UK or Antartica...

They are great at creating energy, I can hook 'em up to the National Grid and watch the Electricty Company rejoice in free electric.

They're not so hot on toilet-flushing tho'

Unknown said...

Hook them up to the National Grid - don;'t you think that's a bit cruel, Cailleach? At least I'm only trying to sell mine!

Unknown said...

When I say hook them up to the National Grid, I mean that the exchange would be outgoing rather than incoming. Making ends meet isn't always nice... but I do draw the line at electrocuting them. They can do that pretty well by themselves - and have done too :/