Sunday, January 07, 2007

The chocolate, a safe and a firemans axe - a sordid tale of desperation

Did I mention I like chocolate? No? Well, I do.
Since the Feckers got old enough to stand on a stool, my life has been one long round of trying to find new hiding places for my precious supplies. A few years ago I realised that my fool-proof system of hiding it in the brussel sprout bag in the freezer was in danger of being discovered (before this the Feckers wouldn't look at any foodstuff that required more than 3 minutes in the microwave).
A solution was sought, and very cleverly came in the guise of a safe.

"Just punch the number in and hey presto" the MD said.

Fantastic! Not only a place to squirrel away all me choc, but also somewhere to store all those things that had now come under the new Fecker rules of 'what's yours is mine, and what's mine is, very definitely, only mine'.

"What was the number again?" I said, late one night.

The MD reminded me.

"It says ERROR" I said.

"Don't be silly" he said, coming to rescue me from my slightly blonde moment.

"Okay, yes, it does say 'error'. You must have changed the number"

There followed a very rude response and then a couple of hours of experimentation with a screwdriver, a nail file and a hammer. There was even a nasty moment with an axe that was tried after we had dropped it off the top patio a couple of times.
To cut a long night short - we ended up phoning a friend who dabbles in locksmithery and he came the following morning to put me out of my misery.

"You put too much in there," he said "there is an internal reset button".

I learned my lesson. My supplies are now safely distributed between my knicker drawer, the breadmaker, the tin marked 'nails' and a, well, not going to say the last one because that is only for me to know!


Unknown said...

I don't suppose there's any point in providing the Feckers with their own stash so they don't have to raid yours...? But I do like the idea of hiding choccie treasures in a safe - that's real style!

Unknown said...

We didn't look very stylish getting it out again, Atyllah!

Confucious Trevaskis said...

Fancy telling everyone that you keep your sweet stuff in your knickers....this is becoming a porn site !!

Unknown said...

Well, there's a step in the right direction then!

Roberta said... didn't have a blow torch? Chocolate deserves a blow torch, don't ya know.

Unknown said...

Ah, Roberta, my kindred spirit!
Yes, yes, a blowtorch, and a grenade and a supply of plastic explosives would have been used had we been able to get our hands on them!

My name is Kate Bousfield - I am a chocolate addict.

Unknown said...

Yep, you needed some of Tom Cruise's special chewing gum from Mission Impossible - the one that blows things up when it's mashed together...

The only problem with a blow torch would be that it might melt the contents of the safe... but then you could put a bowl underneath to catch the choccy as it dribbled out.

I think confucious is being economical with his words... honey is usually the appropriate word in that particular bodily area- which in tunr leads me on to remembering
a name that someone once gave to a person I don't know... choccy starfish... think about it

Debi said...

Feel free to use my method. Choccy supplies are protected by barbed wire, electric forcefields, pit bull terriers, armed guards and Mike Tyson.

This of course, is entirely as it should be with such a precious commodity. I find it works quite well ...

Suzan Abrams, email: said...

Right now, I want some chocolate!

Unknown said...

So that's what the safe in the old flat was for!

Unknown said...

Oh, thank the heavens above - I am not alone!!

Meloney Lemon said...

Really enjoyed visiting your witchy world. It was cosy yet menacing, dreamy yet compelling, simple yet complex.....hard to put down yet easy to pickup...(shut UP!)
Anyway, I am interested to know what constitutes a witch of today. Do the rites come from the pre Roman, nature/fertilty religeons of Britain (Wicker Man-ishly)? Or are they drawn from the Eastern science,astrology and numeracy that peaked in the 16thC, in the court of Elizabeth 1st, with her resident alchemist, Dr John Dee? Or is it a mixture of these?
Not that it matters. It's a great story. And I LOVE the talking cats! x

Unknown said...

Thank you, Meloney - glad you enjoyed.
Is the world ready for me witchy theories? We shall see....

Anonymous said...

I'm sure the chocolate will melt in that last hiding place!