Thursday, November 02, 2006

Twelve things that you may not know about a woman's wardrobe

1. The biggest wardobe is ours by right and we have unlimited capacity to add to it at will.
2. Supportive undergarments are never talked about in public and we don't own any anyway!
3. Shoes are bought in bulk, it is the law
4. We reserve the right to hate something once we get it home and can store it in your wardrobe for the next five years.
5. Wardobe mirrors lie all the time but you are expected to tell the truth!
6. New boots always come with a free pair of jeans, a new top, a scarf and that lovely jacket that you've had your eye on for ages.
7. A coat is never bought to keep the rain off. We have cars for that.
8. Our bum's never look big in anything, but the bum walking down the street in front of us is allowed to be huge.
9. A nod from behind the paper is not the answer we are looking for when we have enquired whether we look okay.
10. It is perfectly acceptable to wear your best t-shirt to bed
11. Female underwear is made to fall apart after six washes - it is a design fault.
12. "No, of course it's not new. I bought it in the sale last year" is always the gospel truth.

This is a Skint version of a m**e.
If you wish to join in just title your post 'Twelve things that you may not know about.....' - the rest is up to you - as long as you tell the truth!


Roberta said...

Twelve Things You May Not know About Housekeeping.

1) If you clean a toilet. Someone will immediately need to go and make a mess of it again.

2) The vacuum cleaner has two speeds. Suck and Clogged.

3) If said vacuum cleaner makes a sighing sound and the little headlight dims, retire it. Do not attempt to take apart and figure out what is wrong. Just take it to the curb, say a prayer and walk away. Just walk away. If you don’t, you will either be electrocuted or the little bag will blow up all over your house. (Trust me)

4) Dirty dishes breed in the sink.

5) Dirty dishes breed in the dishwasher.

6) Dirty dishes breed on counter tops.

7) You can wash, fold, and press every dirty piece of clothing in the house and someone will invariably want the one article of clothing that has fallen in that putrid well behind the washing machine. They will even bring it to you, while you lay panting on the bed from over work. Dangling it between their fingers like a prize fish. “I want to wear this tomorrow!” They will say so desperately. Thoughts of murder cross your mind as you trudge, once again, to the basement. Only to find your are out of laundry detergent.

8) Children leave. They get homes of their own. Zoning codes do not allow them to have washer and dryers. Ever. It’s the law.

9) There will always be cobwebs. Women in caves lived with cobwebs. Knocking down cobwebs causes them to breed and crawl higher up in the peaks of your ceilings. Blow torches are not recommended cleaning devices when dealing with cobwebs. (Trust me again).

10) When one scrubs and cleans the kitchen floor to a sparkle, one is removing that one layer of dirt that increases the gravity pull to that horizontal plane. Everything from eggs to ketchup will fall and stain that floor. Give it up. It ain’t worth the trouble. Two world colliding is scary.

Roberta said...

I forgot Number 11:

A man can throw a football to the receiver within a centimeter. He can throw a basket ball into a hoop in a second. He can play a golf ball around a course of several acres, but if it comes to the dirty laundry hamper. He can't hit it. Why is that?

Lee said...

The only way to start the morning, with a good laugh - well, actually with tears rolling down my cheeks, and my husband calling from the bed to find out what's happened so early. Now I have the courage to face the breeding grounds in the kitchen in order to make a pot of tea.

Unknown said...

Best laugh I've had in a while.

Thinking... back to you tomorrow with
... twelve things you may not know about sex!

Jude said...

Great read!

Unknown said...

Twelve things I may not know Cailleach? Can't wait!

Suzan Abrams, email: said...

thanks for your reply. skimming your 'wardrobe' too, ok...

Anonymous said...

Excellent! Nr 11 is the reason I rarely wash my knickers!

Unknown said...

No! Sharon! Wash, wash,, new, new!!!

Roberta said...

...and one of these days, I'm going to learn to count to 12.

12) The sofa is your savings bank. Do not vacumm it or hunt for loose change until the paper boy is at the door.

Unknown said...

Well, wasn't going to say anything Roberta. Eleven is a very nice number!

Roberta said...

Thank you for your kind discretion. Don't tell anybody, will ya?

Thanks too for my copy of your book! Unfortunately, I fell asleep in the chair last night while my Kramer was prattling on about things I don't want to be prattled on about. (My first week at my new job, and I was wiped out).

I've finished all of the housework today. So tonight and tomorrow, I will be devouring your words.

By the way, you have lovely handwriting. I didn't expect it to be signed! What a wonderful surprise! I've even saved the envelope!

Thank you dear.

Saaleha said...

Yeah! This was brilliant. Utterly, and completely minx. Since I'm a self professed pregnancy pro, I must think of tweleve things you didn't know about pregnancy.

Unknown said...

Roberta - you have it on the nail about the toilet. Yesterday the outlaws were coming to dinner.

I cleaned the upstairs bathroom, leaving it immaculate and went off to clean the downstairs loo.

Came back up to find that the five year old had thoroughly pebbledashed it, and left it to set nicely in the meantime. Just in case, you know, I ran out of things to clean!

Unknown said...

You write and you clean Cailleach - how clever!

Roberta said...

Ha! Cailleach!!!
Precious, aren't they? That's why God makes them so cute! So we don't kill 'em!