Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Minx Get Rich Quick Scheme

It's quite simple really, just emigrate to the US and find yourself a lawyer!

Here are the results of the 2005 Stella awards (named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who successfully sued McDonalds after spilling hot coffee on herself).

5th Place
19 year-old C. Truman from Los Angeles who won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand. Apparently Truman didn't notice that his neighbour was at the wheel when he was trying to steal the hubcaps!

4th place
J Williams, of Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 after being bitten on the bum by his next door neighbours chained up beagle. The award was less than it might have been because the jury felt that the dog may have been just a little provoked by Mr Williams who had been shooting at it repeatedly with a pellet gun!

3rd place
A Philadelphia resturant was ordered to pay a Ms Carson, of Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument!

2nd place
A Miss Walton, from Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub when she fell from their bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. The occured when she was trying to sneak through the window trying to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge! She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses!

1st place
$1,750,000 was awarded to Mrs Grazinski of Oklahoma City after she had crashed her brand new Winnebago. Apparently she had set the cruise control to 70mph and calmly left the drivers seat to make herself a sandwich! Not surprisingly the RV left the road, overturned and crashed.
The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around!
(please note - I am now attending 'Moron School' in the evenings).

Anyway here's the English way of dealing with lawyers.....

A lawyer was attending a weekend of Huntin' and Fishin' in the country. He took part in a duck shoot and managed to cop himself a large one. Unfortunately it landed in a field belonging to a neighbouring farmer. As he climbed over the hedge he saw the farmer coming towards him.

"I've just shot that duck, I've come over to get it" he said.

"I think you'll find that the duck belongs to me," the farmer replied "tell you what, we'll use the countryside code of the "three kick rule".

"What's that?"

"I kicks you three times and then you kicks me three times. Then we'll see who gets the duck"

The lawyer weighed up the odds. The farmer looked a bit frail.

"Okay then"

The farmer shuffled over and first planted a hob-nailed boot in the lawyers groin that sent him to the ground. The second landed in his stomach and removed his breakfast. The well placed third took him under the chin and sent his head spinning. Amazingly the lawyer managed to stagger to his feet.

"Right, my turn"

The farmer smiled

"Nah, it's okay, I give up, you can have the duck".


Unknown said...

I love it Minx - where do you hear this stuff? That sounds like a farmer of Irish extraction, most definitely!

Unknown said...

I have friends in weird places!

Susan said...

Isn't it a funny world when we laugh at common sense? It is amusing of course, but it's also the purest intelligence. And then you get nonsense like those lawsuits coming from a supposedly 'evolved' society.

Unknown said...

The trouble is that it is starting over here now as well. Thinking of making a claim because I stubbed my toe on a raised manhole cover today - what do you think - £100,000 for toe trauma and loss of varnish?

Anonymous said...

This explains why every cup of coffee I now buy anywhere has 'caution - hot contents' - I always thought it was a case of wishful thinking. Because usually it isn't.


The Winnebago: it drives itself.

Unknown said...

So true Clare, mostly tepid and tasteless - best avoided really unless you want make some extra cash!!

David, not sure that Winnebago would want to take that on as their catchphrase now! But I could think of some others if pushed.....

Anonymous said...

great post minx - these are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Right, that's it then, I'm going to use my Airmiles to book a flight to the US ASAP and set up in business. I reckon there can be counter-sue claims as follows:

5th - on behalf of the car owning neighbour: attempted burglary, invasion of privacy and stress.

4th - on behalf of the beagle: attempted murder and GBH (or US equivalent), cruelty and stress.

3rd - on behalf of the restaurant: damage to property, business disruption and lost earnings. (And I reckon there'll be an unpaid bill in there somewhere, too!)

2nd - on behalf of the night club owner: theft.

1st - on behalf of the manufacturer: business disruption, lost earnings and lost reputation. On behalf of the state: driving with undue care and attention and not being in a fit state to drive a vehicle. Wouldn't it be nice to find she was crossing a state boundary line at the time?

Just one question. Do I need to be qualifed to do all this?

Unknown said...

Umm, think you may have to be a lawyer!!

Debi said...

Ohohohoh ... I can't believe this. Talk about synochronicity or summat (which I was just now on Clare's blog).

We had a horrible Cornish experience involving a carved wooden duck in a gallery shop in Marazion. It flew off the shelf onto G's rucksack and deliberately tied itself up in the straps before throwing itself to the ground and snapping off its beak.

Bastard duck cost us £65 - nearly a whole week's camping fees. Reader, I cried ...