It's quite simple really, just emigrate to the US and find yourself a lawyer!
Here are the results of the 2005 Stella awards (named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who successfully sued McDonalds after spilling hot coffee on herself).
19 year-old C. Truman from Los Angeles who won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand. Apparently Truman didn't notice that his neighbour was at the wheel when he was trying to steal the hubcaps!
J Williams, of Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 after being bitten on the bum by his next door neighbours chained up beagle. The award was less than it might have been because the jury felt that the dog may have been just a little provoked by Mr Williams who had been shooting at it repeatedly with a pellet gun!
A Philadelphia resturant was ordered to pay a Ms Carson, of Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument!
A Miss Walton, from Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub when she fell from their bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. The occured when she was trying to sneak through the window trying to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge! She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses!
$1,750,000 was awarded to Mrs Grazinski of Oklahoma City after she had crashed her brand new Winnebago. Apparently she had set the cruise control to 70mph and calmly left the drivers seat to make herself a sandwich! Not surprisingly the RV left the road, overturned and crashed.
The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around!
(please note - I am now attending 'Moron School' in the evenings).
Anyway here's the English way of dealing with lawyers.....
A lawyer was attending a weekend of Huntin' and Fishin' in the country. He took part in a duck shoot and managed to cop himself a large one. Unfortunately it landed in a field belonging to a neighbouring farmer. As he climbed over the hedge he saw the farmer coming towards him.
"I've just shot that duck, I've come over to get it" he said.
"I think you'll find that the duck belongs to me," the farmer replied "tell you what, we'll use the countryside code of the "three kick rule".
"I kicks you three times and then you kicks me three times. Then we'll see who gets the duck"
The lawyer weighed up the odds. The farmer looked a bit frail.
The farmer shuffled over and first planted a hob-nailed boot in the lawyers groin that sent him to the ground. The second landed in his stomach and removed his breakfast. The well placed third took him under the chin and sent his head spinning. Amazingly the lawyer managed to stagger to his feet.
"Right, my turn"
The farmer smiled
"Nah, it's okay, I give up, you can have the duck".